Advice from Never and Always

Never...
Never cross a street in Rome.
From my friend's uncle, "never pass a bathroom, never trust a fart, and never neglect an erection".
Never expect that Kiss will be able to play all of their hits in a single concert. There are just too many. They can't play them all. Some nights, for example, "Let's Put the X Back in Sex" will not appear on their playlist.
Never sit in the back of a Greyhound Bus.
Never gawk at a celebrity. My stare scared CNN reporter John Roberts today.

Always...
Always keep your coat on if dining at an Italian restaurant in a white shirt.
Always have a prop at work, such as a mop. You never know who is going to look in on you.
Always assume that you will run for president. This will dissuade you from a lot of bad decisions.
Always spend more time washing white tiles than black tiles.
Always assume that people have innies and outies, in that they have inner and outer dialogues, and sometimes these dialogues will conflict.
Always assume that cockroaches are armed.

Never admit that you always think about her.

Charitable Organizations

Charitable organizations that will some day bear my name:
-An organization that teaches people how to pronounce difficult words like potpourri, bon mot, and avoir. (I guess it's an organization to help people learn French.)
-An organization that sends a stack of books home with newborns when they are discharged from the hospital. The books will be stacked next to the car seat. (I like this idea.)
-A group that dispenses the Christmas gifts that I wanted to receive when growing up. Kids from ages nine to twelve will get Star Wars action figures and The Bee Gees Greatest Hits double LP. Teens will get a car and The Bee Gees Greatest Hits on two cassette tapes. Kids from ages four to eight will get an otter.
-An organization that builds theme parks that showcase global cultures in each state of the union. Theme parks will be similar to Epcot Center but pavilions, merchandise, and personnel will reflect current attitudes toward US policies, culture, and exchange rates in each UN192 +1 nation. (+1 = Vatican City)

How will I fund these chartible organizations?
I will be getting friends and family "In Rainbows ", Radiohead's new "pay-what-you-want" cd for Christmas this year.

Thinking about Rome...Slug Bug Nun

-I like playing slug bug nun, a game where you punch a nearby friend when you see a nun. The game is based on slug bug where you hit a nearby friend when you see a Volkswagen beetle. There were so many nuns in Rome that we had to change the game to slug bug caucasian nun. I'll play smart car fart the next time I'm in Rome.
-There are no backseat drivers in a smart car.
-I've decided not to give friends and family the "Joy of Cooking: Re-creating Meals Served In Northwest Airlines Economy Class".
-Rome is more expensive than New York.
-Romans weren't listening to iPods. They were talking to other people.
-A Roman woman smiled at me. It could have been gas. It's so hard to tell.
-Sometimes I forget how to sleep.
-I'm not happy when friends hear me struggle to speak Italian and know that I have three semesters of Italian under my belt.
-Senior moments will be renamed "google moments" when gen X reaches old age. There were many times during the vacation when my friends and I were unable retrieve key information, like the name of the lead singer of Simply Red. Seconds after the "moment" everyone would agree, with chins raised, brows unfurled, and cheeks unblushed that the query could be googled at a later date. There was no shame in forgetting.

Saturday Night at the Movies

I went to see Michael Clayton Saturday evening. The theater was about a quarter full. I chose a seat near the back. Two seats separated myself from others. Most people in the theater had surrounded themselves with open seats.

There are many reasons why people add space between themselves and strangers. Sometimes it's about self-preservation. For example, in a hospital waiting room a person will try not to sit next to an ailing stranger, afraid of the bad air that she is expelling. Sometimes it's about the protection of dignity. For example, on public transportation a bulky person might stand, because he is afraid of not being able to fit between two seated riders. Sometimes it's about dignity and the expulsion of bad air. In public bathrooms a person will try to go unnoticed next to an open stall.

I sat apart from others in theater because someone might notice that I can't stop smelling myself. I had eaten at a local restaurant three days in a row. The food was ok, but I liked the way I smelled after day two, so I returned to the restaurant again. My smell left me almost anxiety free- like when you bite into a deboned carrot.

I was only left with one worry- that a stranger sitting next to me might accuse me of being a cyborg, because he noticed that wires were coming out of my right ear (one of my earbuds is broken).

The February Calendar

A friend of a close relative visited me about nine months ago. She thought that I needed to decorate my kitchen, so she went out and bought a calendar and hung it above my stove. I didn't do anything with the calendar, so it stayed on February for four months. During this time I didn't exactly live off-the-calendar. I had a general idea of both month and day. But whenever I looked at the calendar it felt like February kept repeating itself, like a record with a skip. I finally threw the calendar out, just three months before the start of another February.

Irresistible Rationality

Irresistible + Rationality= Irrationality

Evidence of Irresistible Rationality:
If I don't do an immediate clean up after I cut myself in the kitchen, then roaches will develop a taste for blood.

I'll lose my voice if I don't use it during the day. (I don't like zero noise emission days.)

The Smithsonian is relocating people, animals, and buildings to Washington DC so that they can be exhibited in a museum devoted to my life. I don't know how else to explain the disappearance of my next door neighbors and their dog, my bird neighbor, my college dorm, certain friends, the hospital that I was born in, my high school, the donut shop hang out, Dan Fogelberg, and a cord that connects my DVD to the TV.

Gym, God, and Gore

I wanted to go to the gym, but she was blocking the door and was in mid-sermon. She, a relative of a friend of a relative. Me, a friend to those who let me go to the gym. She had already worked her way through forgiveness, prayer, heaven, conversion, and creationism when she started into Al Gore. Guest or no guest, I had to say something that would end the conversation. So I told her that I didn't believe in god, but that I believed in Al Gore. It worked. I went to the gym and we didn't talk about religion or Al Gore after that. We talked about the warm day, but not climate change, and schooling, but not Sunday school.