Pigeon Proof

I pigeon proofed my apartment this afternoon. It didn't take long. I just had to close my windows.

Ruminations

Ever since high school my skinny thighs have been overshadowed by my larger torso. My attempts to become more proportionate have included leg lifts, running, paddle boat rides, and a five-minute roller blade adventure.

In order to rectify this problem of proportionality I've decided to have stomachs implanted in each thigh. If the surgery is successful, then I will be able to disrobe after a big dinner and present a bulging upper stomach and massive thighs.