Advice from Never and Always

Never...
Never cross a street in Rome.
From my friend's uncle, "never pass a bathroom, never trust a fart, and never neglect an erection".
Never expect that Kiss will be able to play all of their hits in a single concert. There are just too many. They can't play them all. Some nights, for example, "Let's Put the X Back in Sex" will not appear on their playlist.
Never sit in the back of a Greyhound Bus.
Never gawk at a celebrity. My stare scared CNN reporter John Roberts today.

Always...
Always keep your coat on if dining at an Italian restaurant in a white shirt.
Always have a prop at work, such as a mop. You never know who is going to look in on you.
Always assume that you will run for president. This will dissuade you from a lot of bad decisions.
Always spend more time washing white tiles than black tiles.
Always assume that people have innies and outies, in that they have inner and outer dialogues, and sometimes these dialogues will conflict.
Always assume that cockroaches are armed.

Never admit that you always think about her.

Charitable Organizations

Charitable organizations that will some day bear my name:
-An organization that teaches people how to pronounce difficult words like potpourri, bon mot, and avoir. (I guess it's an organization to help people learn French.)
-An organization that sends a stack of books home with newborns when they are discharged from the hospital. The books will be stacked next to the car seat. (I like this idea.)
-A group that dispenses the Christmas gifts that I wanted to receive when growing up. Kids from ages nine to twelve will get Star Wars action figures and The Bee Gees Greatest Hits double LP. Teens will get a car and The Bee Gees Greatest Hits on two cassette tapes. Kids from ages four to eight will get an otter.
-An organization that builds theme parks that showcase global cultures in each state of the union. Theme parks will be similar to Epcot Center but pavilions, merchandise, and personnel will reflect current attitudes toward US policies, culture, and exchange rates in each UN192 +1 nation. (+1 = Vatican City)

How will I fund these chartible organizations?
I will be getting friends and family "In Rainbows ", Radiohead's new "pay-what-you-want" cd for Christmas this year.